Gravity

I feel the presence of a transition settled on my mind.

The curious thing about transition is the smorgasbord of emotions that try to out joust each other for my greatest attention. And while my heart, mind, and ultimately, soul are playing a tireless game of king of the hill, I struggle to remain focused on what matters.

Fear of the unknown, with it’s intoxicating seduction of adventure, entices while it terrifies. Worry over basic needs being met leads me to sinfully doubt God will provide for those needs. Even though He has promised He will. Joy that I am no longer blind due to the faintest hint of a sunrise after a year of cavernous dark, tentatively creeps higher up the hill. Excitement to see how God will challenge and lead me forward, desires to plant the final flag on the hill…

But I struggle to be brave. I know I can be. I’ve been brave through many things. But standing at the tip of a leap into Unknown is almost too much for me to handle.

It IS too much for me to handle.

From this point I fall on my knees before my God and ask for strength. I cannot make another transition on my own, for each time before I have fallen from a great height and shattered as a statue of stone. And I cannot afford another humpty-dumpty session so close to my last one. My visualization of another Great Shattering leads me to confidence that another now would cause me to disappear entirely, as bone and marrow crush from the gravity of my weakness.

I do not write with a helpful conclusion for my unsettled soul, I write in the midst of it. I write amongst the realness of the moment, in the rawness and the lack of clarity.

I write in the fear.

It’s blinding me again.

Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;
    answer me, for I need your help.
Protect me, for I am devoted to you.
    Save me, for I serve you and trust you.
    You are my God.
Be merciful to me, O Lord,
    for I am calling on you constantly.
Give me happiness, O Lord,
    for I give myself to you.
O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
    so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.
Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord;
    hear my urgent cry.
I will call to you whenever I’m in trouble,
    and you will answer me.

Psalm 86

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